Let’s talk about sex baby…
Let’s talk about you and me… sorry I can’t stop singing that salt n peppa song now!
So, I promised to be honest and straight forward in my posts so if you get uncomfortable reading about sex then you should probably stop reading now. For the rest of you…let’s get real.
When we first got married, Sean and I were always passionate and made sure we were meeting each others sexual needs. We’re both sexually charged by nature and we’re mad about each other so it comes quite naturally. I mean, he can just look at me in a certain way and I’m like, “oh baby, come here!”
Life progresses, turning newlyweds into young families or working couples; pregnancies, babies, babies that don’t sleep, busy work schedules, tragedies happen, crazy family drama….you know what I mean? Life happens. And somehow that passion that came so naturally now needs to be scheduled in. It needs to be ignited and nurtured, it needs to be thought about and given attention.
Becoming a sleep deprived mother made it a lot harder to be a lady in the street and a freak in the sheets, if you know what I mean! The second we would get the passion started, one of the kids would wake up crying. I seriously think they have a radar, we refer to our kids as “the CB’s” sometimes. CB stands for “cock blocks.” Don’t get me wrong, we adore and love put kids and wouldn’t trade them for the world, but it’s true that they are cock blocks!!! They block the passion more often then not. When they finally nap or fall asleep we look at each other with desperation and panic, “bedroom. Now. Hopefully we will have 30 minutes before the CB’s are on to us!” And it’s game on! Drop ur pants we’re going. No time to light candles and set the mood, we are on the clock!
Other times, it’s not our kids fault. Sometimes we are exhausted at the end of a long day. Or Sean has to stay up late and do work stuff. Or I’m pregnant and nauseous. Or something…
The longest dry spell we’ve had was during the 3rd month of my 3rd pregnancy-between getting the flu and being sick, tired and nauseous for an entire month, there were only a 6 or 7 mornings I could muster up the energy to “get it on” that month. I felt horrible. I don’t like going without, and neither does my husband.
I kept thinking of the verse in
1 Corinthians 7
“The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
I certainly wasn’t “committing myself completely to prayer” during this dry spell month. There have been other times we weren’t as intentional about having sex often enough too, and it had never been because we were committing ourselves to prayer.
When I think about it this way… God instructs (not commands) us to meet each others sexual needs, that’s pretty awesome! God actually tells us to go have sex! I mean, whoever thinks the Bible is boring surely skipped this passage. We are supposed to meet each others needs and meet them often. We are made to be joined and loved. GOD KNOWS that when we aren’t meeting each others sexual needs, it isn’t healthy for our marriage or our hearts.
I can’t think of a single time that our marriage felt incredible when we weren’t having sex. Some of our favorite memories are ones I can’t share with you! We always feel closer, connected and more loving when we’ve been in the routine of meeting each other’s needs.
I used to think, “wow he’s so much sweeter after sex. Is that all I’m good for?” Like, I took it as a bad thing that he would “punish me” if we weren’t having sex. Now, let’s be clear, I’m dramatic-he never has punished me but the feeling of our connection not being there felt like punishment to me. We both get more frustrated or snappy, we both don’t do the sweet little things when we’re not being intimate for a period of time. I used to see that as punishment, now I see that as a warning bell. If we’re getting that way, then I know it’s time to take it to the bedroom. “You’ve been bad-go to my room!” Haha It’s an actual need that we both have and if it isn’t met there are consequences. The Bible tells me so! Now, I see sex as a way to serve my husband and meet his needs and I see the fruit from that is that when both our needs our met, our connection grows. It’s such a positive thing!
Even strangers notice, we’ve had many strangers say things like, “how long have you been dating?” Or “wow, you guys are clearly in love” or “what’s your guys secret?” We have had waiters bring us free desserts because they “thought we were so cute and in love.” But they only notice our bond when we’re connected! It’s so tangible, it’s visible, it’s contagious!
Sex is literally like eating… skip a meal and I’m grumpy. Have a delicious meal and I’m happy as can be. SEX is no different than hunger. We hunger for sex and we are instructed by God to fulfill each other’s needs.
We are much more in tune to each others needs when we are connecting in the bedroom, plain and simple. He writes little love notes, rubs my feet, gets me water, helps around the house, rubs my back and does all kinds of sweet things when our relationship is on point. And it isn’t a conscious thing, we tend to both be more giving, the more we give! So let’s all be givers (to our spouses only) and I’m pretty sure the world would be a better place.
Don’t take my advice, take God’s advice and go have sex with your spouse! Ya, I did just say that…